Dear Hard Lover

Here on the Peculiar Post, we make sure that we talk about the things no one will talk about. We make sure that we are very transparent for we are firm believers that the more you confess a thing, a more you are freed from its bondage. The goal for some, if not every blog, is to show our followers that it is okay with being honest with ourselves. It is okay to be transparent, see through, and VULNERABLE.

Vulnerability-

capable of being physically or emotionally wounded open to attack or damage from a thing

Being vulnerable isn’t always easy. It can mean be open to being hurt, and most of the time it does. Especially, when you are not only vulnerable with yourself, but with other people as well. Being vulnerable with someone is putting your heart into someone else’s hands and saying “I give you permission to hurt me, but I’m trusting you not to”. People can take advantage of your openness and use it as a form of sabotage. We don’t like to be vulnerable, because it makes us feel weak. It makes us feel like we are too open. Too available. Today’s society has created a false sense and understanding on what “weakness” really is and what should be considered weak.

But that is another conversation for another day.

My first real experience about being vulnerable was with my best-friend. I’ve had other friends in the past, but they haven’t stuck around through me moving a lot and simply me out growing them(or vice versa). This friendship is cultivated and developed through transparency, openness, and vulnerability. Men especially don’t like to be open all the time, especially with other men. With us, it was and sometimes still is uncomfortable, but we trust each other enough where we know it has to be done with someone. Meaning, someone has to be able to be transparent with SOMEONE in their life. It’s not good to hold everything in. Our level of transparency in a male friendship is uncommon, but I feel as if we had more of it, there would be less violence. Violence is just a build up of emotions and someone finding a way to release it. Whether it be a positive way or not.

I am learning daily that my vulnerability has been in a handicap state. Why? I have had my share of disappointments, shame, and weary days. I’m human and yes, this is normal to have good days and bad days, but it is not okay to shut down. I react, move, and love out of a hurt place. I have allowed my hurt to influence my way of life. Is this a good thing? NO. I have acknowledge that and understand that something needs to change, sooner than later, there will be a post on this matter. Although this is not a good thing, I have navigated my hurt to love very hard on people who remind me of me in any way.

Being someone who is not always accepted and liked by the majority of the crowd, I see other people who are not as well. I can see past the overly nice gestures that act as secret desperation for companionship. I see other people who are smiling and tell their friends, “oh, that’s okay”, even though their heart has been shredded to pieces. I see other people who just want to be understood and loved for who they are with NO strings attached. I’ve been there, I understand. The pain of being rejected and handling indifferences can take a toll on you and people react differently.

As I stated before, I love hard. It is a positive and negative attribute that I have come to embrace either way. I have learned that hard lovers, such as myself, are our toughest critics. Meaning, if someone does not implicate and duplicate the love and attention we give them, we tend to beat up ourselves mentally. I cannot speak for anyone in particular, but as for me, I know that I will think myself into a depressed state. During this state, I always tell myself that I should have never even wasted my time.

“You did it again”

“They clearly were just using you”

“You’re so emotional, that’s why people push you away”

“They never loved you”

The things I say are normally not true. They are false situations and scenarios that I make worse than they actually are in my head. One place that a hard lover should not be BY THEMSELVES in their own head with their thoughts. Because we have been hurt and because we feel like we have been mistreated and walked over we live and move in a place of “it will happen again”. We have cycles of loving very hard and shutting down. Loving hard, and shutting down. This cycle is on repeat. It is sometimes draining, but most of the time we fail to realize people need our type of love.

This next grouping of words is my personal letter to the “hard lover”, I wrote it roughly around 2 years ago. I have made some changes and additions to it. Hopefully, this helped someone. Hopefully this letter will encourage someone. With this said, enjoy the letter, and we will be back with another post very soon! Stay tuned!

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Dear Hard Lover,

I know it’s hard and you don’t understand why people don’t understand you. I know it may get annoying for people not to give you what you pour out. I’m very much aware that you love so hard for others and it seems like no one loves you the same way back. Breathe, take a break, recharge. “Hard Lovers” carry a different type of love, loyalty, and honor for people in their lives and it’s a blessing and a curse. This type of love is very rare, very profound, and VERY NEEDED. I have had multiple times where my mind goes into a depressive state, because I think someone doesn’t like me or someone treats me like gum on the bottom of their shoe, but I was wrong. Beloved, you have to understand that everyone doesn’t have the capability to love like you do. You have to realize that what you give you may not get back from that person. Understand, that you have to begin to come into oneness with the suggestion of : “’Stop expecting YOU from people”. Today’s generation just doesn’t know how to love the RIGHT WAY, but it is only because no one taught them how to. Because there is a right way, whether we acknowledge it or not. If they do know how to love, they only use their knowledge on someone that is benefiting them in anyway. The ones who know how to love, only love people close to them instead of spreading the love around. Love is seeing the flaws in other people and giving them what they need to accept their flaws as well as better themselves. Loving is knowing they cannot do anything for you, but you stay with them anyway. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is efficient. There are things you must understand if you are going to continue being a purified love carrier. It is a process, I know. It’s going to be hard. Do not think yourself out of your heart that God gave you. God has given you that heart, you are special, and chosen to beam off His love. Be not weary do to unmet expectations. A piece of advice that will take you very far in life and keep you from heart break fam: Love hard while expecting nothing.

Signed w/ LOVE,

Dashaun Archer